November 25th, 1881
Journal Entry
Scotland bound
Dear God, what have I done?
I could see something in his eyes when finally he came upon me; sensing a problem from our first moment of reunion; as if my fear kept me hiding from him; lurking in the shadows, instead of waiting with open arms on the edge of the grove; which is exactly what I had done for nearly half an hour.
Truth be told, in my wait, my thoughts began to wander and I thought perhaps he had a change of heart and decided against meeting me; for I was certain he should have been there; his time of arrival I had apparently confused.
He spoke of my guilt that radiated and consumed him; and while I cannot deny my emotions were running high, it was for reasons not as he perceived. I fear my attempted explanation was not fully accepted. And now not only is he gone; but that moment as well. A moment I can never take back; and one that will linger in his mind forever.
Please do not let me be too late; for by the time Anastasia thought to deliver the letter to me, Sebastian had already gone. I could not refrain from lashing out, even though she hadn’t a clue as to the preciousness of time.
The manor was empty by the time I arrived and I can only assume my beloved is on his way to Scotland, as I am now.
If anything happens I shan’t be able to live with myself; I can barely live with myself now; as I have wounded my one true love, by casting a shadow of doubt; as he courageously stood before me, bared his soul and hoped that I would join him; could love him, in spite of what he has become.
I do love him, Lord, with my whole heart and soul. I always believed ours was a union blessed by the angels; but if the only way for us to be together is to live in damnation, then so be it. Forgive me, heavenly Father, for my love for him surpasses even my faith in you.
For if you are indeed a kind, forgiving and loving God, how could you have allowed such a thing to happen to such a beautiful, gifted and special man as my Archibald…
We stood just inches apart; so many thoughts running through my mind at once, that alas I was not capable of grasping even one; knowing full well that he was about to depart, and by a twisted hand of fate, or a simple change of heart, those could have been our final moments together.
All the things I wanted to say, and yet I found myself speechless; lost in the depths of his eyes; searching like a woman possessed, for some hidden sign. My insecurity and self-doubt rearing itself with a low guttural howl; driving me closer with each passing second to the edge; where reason fades into the oblivion of perplexity; truth becomes shaded and eventually lost.
I have but one hope left; that he finds it in his heart to forgive me and after all is said and done, will still have me; allowing me to prove my love and trust in him; as it is, as it has always been.
