December 1st, 1881
Malbourne Castle
Scotland
1 Dec 81
I arrived at Malbourne Castle under the cloak of darkness. The driver of the coach hesitant when I insisted on going in alone; a faithful servant for as long as I can remember; asking if he could take word back to father, as he placed my bags side-by-side on the ground. I thanked him and explained that all had been said and then bid him farewell.
I knocked, but no answer came, and so I entered quietly; wondering if I should wait, or perhaps go in search; as a single light could be seen upon our approach, flickering from within the turret, confirming my belief that my beloved was there. I called his name, but in silence I remained. Then just as I was about to turn round, I heard the slow, intentional footsteps echoing through the dark, followed by shadows cast upon the grand stone walls.
I could see his reflection, larger than life, even before he entered the room; more handsome than ever I remember seeing him. My heart skipping a beat, my breath catching in my chest, while he stood in the archway gazing at me; as if he could not believe I was really there; a phantom lover seen only in dreams; and then he was upon me with such swiftness, I swear I did not even see him move; my eyes playing tricks in the shadows and candlelight.
I felt his breath hot on my neck, his arms embraced, strong hands caressed; never had I felt such intenseness of passion; my arousal erupting as his lips brushed mine; his own apparent, felt through the layers of my skirts; his teeth biting the flesh of my lip, his tongue soothing the pinpricks of pain, before exploring the warmth of my waiting mouth.
Tongues mingled, feasted greedily, as our hunger grew; seconds passing into infinity; lost within each others need and want. My head spinning so as to give the illusion I was flying, and when my eyes I finally opened, we were in a private chamber, lying upon the bed. The realization startling, but so intoxicated was I by our lust that I found myself unable to speak; thoughts clouded by aching desire; my entire being centered solely on my beloved.
He rose above and looked down upon me. His penetrating eyes revealing the truth of his love, holding my gaze, whispering my name; his essence absorbed within the depth of my soul; my need to take him inside beyond reason, primal in nature to the point that it frightened me, but I could not stop, had no desire to stop; my only need to be filled with his love.
I reached out and touched him, taking him in my hand; a tremor of desire coursed through his entire body, as he leaned his head back and moaned in blissful pleasure. I was hypnotized by the look of passion shown upon his face, such surreal beauty never before had I seen; his skin shown luminous in the candlelight, his lips crimson as if stained with wine; his eyes for a split second appearing to glow, causing my breath to catch in my throat. And that’s when it happened, the spell suddenly broken, as he leapt from my side and dashed across the room. He stood in the doorway with his back to me and just as I was about to get up and go to him, he looked at me over his shoulder and said, “Don’t,” then closed the door behind him, leaving me alone.
I’m trying to understand what has happened, exactly what these changes have made of him; what the truth of such insanity means. I’ve gone over his words thousands of times in my mind, wondering more than once if perhaps he was going mad and the physical changes I saw were simply symptoms of exhaustion and an overwrought imagination; tales he became privy to whilst traveling strange and foreign lands.
Whatever has happened, I am determined not to let come between us; nor will I allow him to cast me aside. On the morrow I will search out Sebastian and speak to him in private. For now I will attempt to rest, with a heavy and saddened heart.
CL
