Journal Entry – 13 Dec 1881
Malbourne Castle
Scotland
13 Dec 81
Dawn
I am not well. Having just awoke with a gripping chill from the most terrifying nightmare; playing itself out to the wicked end, torturing my mind, for hours it seemed; which has left me terribly weak and with a strange burning sensation deep within. If I knew for certain Sebastian were here I would ring for medical assistance, but alas I have not come across him; nor do I know where my beloved has gone. I have searched the castle from bottom to top and while there are telltale signs that he is still here, it’s as if he leaves the castle at the break of each day.
My God, the monstrous images that plague me still; I must be losing my mind, for having conjured such dreams. The madness of it all is more than I can bear, and yet I feel that if I don’t purge the images from my soul that they shall haunt me for the rest of my days; and so I will attempt to rid myself of them; casting aside my fear that someday these words be discovered and I shall be labeled a madwoman, for all eternity; or worse still, stumbled upon before my death and I be locked away in some desolate forgotten place; as I perhaps deserve to be.
He came to me in my chamber, but not as I would have received him. It was as if he were possessed, having transformed into a demon from hell; the look in his eyes, the vile words he spoke, and the abhorrent way in which he took me; filled with anger and violence, as if he wished to kill me; searing pain, no tenderness, no love; and then there was the blood; my God, so much blood. And as I lingered on the threshold of death, gazing into his eyes; searching desperately for some trace of my beloved…….
…….I cannot continue; the memory of it is simply too painful to witness twice. Appalled I am to have entertained such wickedness, even in slumber, where our thoughts are not our own. I must go now and seek counsel and penance from the nearest priest; confessing my madness and the wickedness that lingers in the depths of my soul.
