Malbourne Castle
Scotland
13 Dec 81
Dawn

I am not well. Having just awoke with a gripping chill from the most terrifying nightmare; playing itself out to the wicked end, torturing my mind, for hours it seemed; which has left me terribly weak and with a strange burning sensation deep within. If I knew for certain Sebastian were here I would ring for medical assistance, but alas I have not come across him; nor do I know where my beloved has gone. I have searched the castle from bottom to top and while there are telltale signs that he is still here, it’s as if he leaves the castle at the break of each day.

My God, the monstrous images that plague me still; I must be losing my mind, for having conjured such dreams. The madness of it all is more than I can bear, and yet I feel that if I don’t purge the images from my soul that they shall haunt me for the rest of my days; and so I will attempt to rid myself of them; casting aside my fear that someday these words be discovered and I shall be labeled a madwoman, for all eternity; or worse still, stumbled upon before my death and I be locked away in some desolate forgotten place; as I perhaps deserve to be.

He came to me in my chamber, but not as I would have received him. It was as if he were possessed, having transformed into a demon from hell; the look in his eyes, the vile words he spoke, and the abhorrent way in which he took me; filled with anger and violence, as if he wished to kill me; searing pain, no tenderness, no love; and then there was the blood; my God, so much blood. And as I lingered on the threshold of death, gazing into his eyes; searching desperately for some trace of my beloved…….

…….I cannot continue; the memory of it is simply too painful to witness twice. Appalled I am to have entertained such wickedness, even in slumber, where our thoughts are not our own. I must go now and seek counsel and penance from the nearest priest; confessing my madness and the wickedness that lingers in the depths of my soul.

My dead blood boils, the audacity of her selfish needs, feigning ignorance, denying my monstrous plight. But tonight she has learned the truth. She, looking so innocent, demure, questioning with grace! There is no grace, damn the falsity of grace upon the dead god of last years dream.

Placing my hand over her mouth, savagely ripping her dress, throwing her on the floor; taking her like the demon I am, without care, without shame. Ah the look upon her innocence, when my dead loins entered her hot pulsing nethers; the look of fear! Yes my love and afraid you should be, my teeth sinking into your lip; teasing my thirst with paltry drops of life. Bite after bite, drinking your existence slowly, punishing you for your loyalty, restricting your choice, you have no choice.

I could smell her humanity, the pulse of her living vein, begging me to destroy it, daring me to end the commonplace, tempting me to add a notch to the belt of the undead. Oh, how you struggled at the moment of true knowledge; I wanted to laugh but the deed was at hand and so be it. My teeth finding your avalanche of verve, pouring into my mouth, hot, wet, salty and thick, taking me farther into the abyss of damnation, taking you with me, forever a slave to darkness; welcome to the darkness my love, welcome to hell!

I stood over your body, watching and waiting, more then content to let you slip into the light of peace, a tragic ending, but not to be damned. But your eyes in that last moment pleaded with me, so foolish, so contemptuous as to plead for an eternal hell. A moment of weakness upon me; sneaking up, whispering the advent of eternity alone; a single thought to change the course. No! I cannot, will not, slicing my own white feverish wrist, her blood soaring and taking me to that place of complete satisfaction; now shared as she drank with abandon as if it would save her life; in truth, the complete opposite.

Damn you, drink and join me! For we are damned together, and so it must be; she lay now resting but tonight she will have a new god, the god of thirst. Oh my love, soon you will know what I tried to hide you from. A choice I have made, and very soon, you too, will understand the monster within me, within you. I would laugh at the tragedy of love, the ridiculousness of love, but at the moment, a single red tear has clouded my vision and truly blackened my heart.

Malbourne Castle
Scotland
1 Dec 81

I arrived at Malbourne Castle under the cloak of darkness. The driver of the coach hesitant when I insisted on going in alone; a faithful servant for as long as I can remember; asking if he could take word back to father, as he placed my bags side-by-side on the ground. I thanked him and explained that all had been said and then bid him farewell.

I knocked, but no answer came, and so I entered quietly; wondering if I should wait, or perhaps go in search; as a single light could be seen upon our approach, flickering from within the turret, confirming my belief that my beloved was there. I called his name, but in silence I remained. Then just as I was about to turn round, I heard the slow, intentional footsteps echoing through the dark, followed by shadows cast upon the grand stone walls.

I could see his reflection, larger than life, even before he entered the room; more handsome than ever I remember seeing him. My heart skipping a beat, my breath catching in my chest, while he stood in the archway gazing at me; as if he could not believe I was really there; a phantom lover seen only in dreams; and then he was upon me with such swiftness, I swear I did not even see him move; my eyes playing tricks in the shadows and candlelight.

I felt his breath hot on my neck, his arms embraced, strong hands caressed; never had I felt such intenseness of passion; my arousal erupting as his lips brushed mine; his own apparent, felt through the layers of my skirts; his teeth biting the flesh of my lip, his tongue soothing the pinpricks of pain, before exploring the warmth of my waiting mouth.

Tongues mingled, feasted greedily, as our hunger grew; seconds passing into infinity; lost within each others need and want. My head spinning so as to give the illusion I was flying, and when my eyes I finally opened, we were in a private chamber, lying upon the bed. The realization startling, but so intoxicated was I by our lust that I found myself unable to speak; thoughts clouded by aching desire; my entire being centered solely on my beloved.

He rose above and looked down upon me. His penetrating eyes revealing the truth of his love, holding my gaze, whispering my name; his essence absorbed within the depth of my soul; my need to take him inside beyond reason, primal in nature to the point that it frightened me, but I could not stop, had no desire to stop; my only need to be filled with his love.

I reached out and touched him, taking him in my hand; a tremor of desire coursed through his entire body, as he leaned his head back and moaned in blissful pleasure. I was hypnotized by the look of passion shown upon his face, such surreal beauty never before had I seen; his skin shown luminous in the candlelight, his lips crimson as if stained with wine; his eyes for a split second appearing to glow, causing my breath to catch in my throat. And that’s when it happened, the spell suddenly broken, as he leapt from my side and dashed across the room. He stood in the doorway with his back to me and just as I was about to get up and go to him, he looked at me over his shoulder and said, “Don’t,” then closed the door behind him, leaving me alone.

I’m trying to understand what has happened, exactly what these changes have made of him; what the truth of such insanity means. I’ve gone over his words thousands of times in my mind, wondering more than once if perhaps he was going mad and the physical changes I saw were simply symptoms of exhaustion and an overwrought imagination; tales he became privy to whilst traveling strange and foreign lands.

Whatever has happened, I am determined not to let come between us; nor will I allow him to cast me aside. On the morrow I will search out Sebastian and speak to him in private. For now I will attempt to rest, with a heavy and saddened heart.

CL

My family’s castle
Scotland
11/28/81
Dawn

Dear Journal,

I am worried for Sebastian’s recovery; the very idea that he would not wait for Anastasia’s return is beyond fathomable. I personally instructed him to wait for as long as it took. It was the first time he has disobeyed me. My anger and new found physical strength, was a deadly combination. I thank the wretched demon that dwells within me that he will survive. For his death by my hand would have unleashed a guilt as forbidding as the one I feel for daring to ask Lissa to join me here, in a place forgotten by my family.

Ah my faithful Sebastian, you know my heart and I beat you for having that knowledge. I am a monster, a monster who craves company. The unspeakable acts in my rage tonight, left a trail of corpses in the alleyway of drunkards. The thought of Clarisse seeing let alone joining is too much of a burden to bear. I should run from this place and leave not a word, only a note for my love to take in Sebastian and give him purpose; for without his purpose he is a lost man.

And what of my purpose, how can there be such a purpose? I took the lives of several innocents tonight, and watched a few drops of my blood bring a man back to life; a man who has been a father as well as companion. And what of my own father, who I have yet to contact; what could I say that would make sense. To speak the truth, would only be an abomination in his Christian eyes. No, I fear I will leave him with the mystery, as cruel as that appears on the page. I can only see one ending for me; an ending befitting a monster.

I feel the dawn approach; I must check in on my faithful servent once more, rest and pay my penance in the morrow with wide eyes and an open, blackened heart.

A.M.

Journal Entry
Scotland bound

Dear God, what have I done?

I could see something in his eyes when finally he came upon me; sensing a problem from our first moment of reunion; as if my fear kept me hiding from him; lurking in the shadows, instead of waiting with open arms on the edge of the grove; which is exactly what I had done for nearly half an hour.

Truth be told, in my wait, my thoughts began to wander and I thought perhaps he had a change of heart and decided against meeting me; for I was certain he should have been there; his time of arrival I had apparently confused.

He spoke of my guilt that radiated and consumed him; and while I cannot deny my emotions were running high, it was for reasons not as he perceived. I fear my attempted explanation was not fully accepted. And now not only is he gone; but that moment as well. A moment I can never take back; and one that will linger in his mind forever.

Please do not let me be too late; for by the time Anastasia thought to deliver the letter to me, Sebastian had already gone. I could not refrain from lashing out, even though she hadn’t a clue as to the preciousness of time.

The manor was empty by the time I arrived and I can only assume my beloved is on his way to Scotland, as I am now.

If anything happens I shan’t be able to live with myself; I can barely live with myself now; as I have wounded my one true love, by casting a shadow of doubt; as he courageously stood before me, bared his soul and hoped that I would join him; could love him, in spite of what he has become.

I do love him, Lord, with my whole heart and soul. I always believed ours was a union blessed by the angels; but if the only way for us to be together is to live in damnation, then so be it. Forgive me, heavenly Father, for my love for him surpasses even my faith in you.

For if you are indeed a kind, forgiving and loving God, how could you have allowed such a thing to happen to such a beautiful, gifted and special man as my Archibald…

We stood just inches apart; so many thoughts running through my mind at once, that alas I was not capable of grasping even one; knowing full well that he was about to depart, and by a twisted hand of fate, or a simple change of heart, those could have been our final moments together.

All the things I wanted to say, and yet I found myself speechless; lost in the depths of his eyes; searching like a woman possessed, for some hidden sign. My insecurity and self-doubt rearing itself with a low guttural howl; driving me closer with each passing second to the edge; where reason fades into the oblivion of perplexity; truth becomes shaded and eventually lost.

I have but one hope left; that he finds it in his heart to forgive me and after all is said and done, will still have me; allowing me to prove my love and trust in him; as it is, as it has always been.

My Dearest Father,

It is with heavy heart that I am forced to leave, with these my final words.

First and foremost, you must know that no harm has befallen me, and I leave this place of my own volition; this place of my birth, mother’s death, and these great stone walls that over the years have become my sanctuary; this home, the only one I have ever known, I have come to see as an extension of my very self. But alas, I have found my true sanctuary in the heart of my beloved.

Something has happened, father; something I dare not speak of, but must face nonetheless; something that has shaken me to the core of my soul and tests the very faith that has been so righteously instilled in me. But fear not, as I go with my heart overflowing with certainty and peace, knowing that not only is this the right decision, but my only decision.

You always said I had the heart of a poet with a gypsy’s soul and that one day my soul would overshadow what my heart does know. That day is upon us, father, as I push aside that which my heart holds dear and follow the only truth I know. For there can be no life for me without his arms to hold me, his love to fill me, his own soul to complete me.

Pray you we find our way, father, in this life and the next; and my God Himself bless our union, for no matter the outcome, ours is based on love in its purest form.

With undying devotion,

Clarissa

My fading love,

My lifeless heart breaks all the same. The look of shock on your face was all I needed to see. Your words through trembling lips, an uneven fence of anguish and despair, though comforting, left me far more cursed then my current condition. You claim to need time, and with such a statement I would understand, considering my circumstance; but your eyes said more then words could ever utter.

Truly, I did not ask for this, as you know, as I have told you. How much did you really here? You said you would give all to me willingly, but when faced with giving your very life; ah my love, who could ask such a thing, give such a thing, not I and never from you. I have thought of going to Scotland to consider my fate. How easy it would be to walk out into sunlight and be done. There is nothing to live for dead or alive. Without you, life is pointless. I will be at the manor deciding my fate. Perhaps Scotland is only a dream, a hope to find meaning within a living hell. And surly hell is where my soul is going. Perhaps to end it now and not give credence to the hunger will create some sort of reprieve. I had only longed to live my entire life with you and then within the here after.

I am pleased that your fear has struck within you a sensibility. My selfishness abides and still rings a slight hope that you would join me willingly. My anguish, my torment; even these words make little sense. On one hand, I want you with me to share damnation. The other hand only wants to die to save you from a decision, that can only end in eternal sorrow. It seems to me, there is only one choice. Still, I would like to cast my eyes upon you one last time. Just my asking will have you at my doorstep, I know this. Ah, the insanity! Am I tempting fate? Is my selfish need for you so complete that I would risk sacrificing your soul, so as to not be one of the undead without you? I have become a monster; my words a torrent of madness.

I believe these questions have answered themselves. Sebastian will be delivering this note to you soon. Ah, Sebastian, surly a selfless aide to the very end. The word butler is a tragedy to how I feel; he is my dearest friend. Tonight I rest; there will be no feeding; and in the morn, Scotland will most likely pass away as just a song. Apparently I have answered all my questions within a single note to my beloved. But know my love; my last thought will only be of you. Do me a last favor and stay away. I know of my request to see you, but I know this is wrong. Please my love, stay away. I have lost my soul and apparently my mind as well.

With all the love I have left

Archie

My love,

Yes, the Isle of Wight; with its soft cliffs and sea ledges cascading into the abyss; how many times I have relived in my mind our journey on the River Yar; your sights set on Bembridge, mine set only on you.

I never spoke of this, but it was in the village of Niton when first I confessed silently, my undying love for you. We’d climbed the tower of St. Catherine’s Lighthouse and as you stood looking out into the sea, I stood looking at you; certain that we were the only two souls existing in all the world; the peace and calm reflected in your gaze, emanating from within, penetrating my own soul. I knew then I could never live without you; no matter what cost.

And so I sit here now in the confines of these walls, holding your words in my hands and my heart; believing you were here, for not only do I possess them, but felt your presence the moment I awoke; yet unbelieving all the same; for there was another presence I felt as well; a strange, ominous and terrifying force that loomed within the very air.

Perhaps father’s warnings were not far off the mark, when he suggested there were those unfortunate souls who stop at nothing in regards to financial gain. Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a difficult spot and are unable to turn to your own, to ease a debt you possibly owe. My instinct tells me you do not travel alone; and I fear not only for my own safety, but yours as well. For how is it you could come to me, into my chamber whilst I sleep and not take me in your arms, waking me from my dreams?

If indeed you are in trouble of this sort, surely you must know that all I have, I willingly give. It isn’t even a matter of your having to ask; simply tell me what it is you need from me and my darling, it is yours.

I simply cannot understand this mysterious shroud and why you cannot speak of this thing you claim has happened to you? What fear is this that makes you shudder and why would you suggest our love that we know to be never-ending is perhaps forbidden; and what of your darkened soul? How can you speak such abominable things?

I don’t know why I write this, I don’t even know where you are. Perhaps for the sake of my own sanity; to purge my soul in the form of these words, of the fear and things I’m thinking. I do not know if you will even receive them, but I shall leave them for you all the same.

Alas, I cannot meet you in the grove, but will await you within the safety of my chamber, praying you return to me; not in the sorrow of nightfall, but when the full moon rises and casts it magical light, just as you were when last you left me.

Come to me, my love, and take whatever you will; for all I have and all that I am, I eagerly and willingly give.

Trusting in your love,
Clarissa

My only love,

I leave this letter with great trepidation

I stood outside your window for the longest time, afraid to show myself; what I’ve become. I held your letter in my hand, drenched from an unremitting downpour; so typically British, so boring; and yet so familiar as to make me weep, blood stained tears, against hollow cheeks. If only I could feel the cold of such a night, then perhaps I would know solace.

I stood for hours, quiet, ashamed and yet some how, determined to reach you, to let you know of my love; perhaps forbidden, but never ending. When I could take no more I entered your bedroom and watched you sleep. Did you feel me; could you sense my presence in your dream? I reached out to you from the shadows of your room and found your soul within the landscape of the ethereal. You are so beautiful that words will not do justice to what I saw with my own darkened soul.

I stood so close as to hear your breathe; a stalker am I or only a man possessed by love? I had never stood in your private chamber until that moment. My hand caressed the frame that held our photo from the Isle of Wight. You looked; we looked so happy, so perfect together; made for one another in a world that shows no pity for lovers crossed by fate. Ah, my fate! Our fate! I hung my head and could only depart the way I came.

You have vowed your trust, but my fear of what you will find makes me shudder. Yes, to give trust to the normalcy of living, the morality of the church and God; trust to a living mans hand; yes, this trust can be given. But the trust I ask of you is beyond the scope of morality, beyond the living breath of a normal mans longing. Ah, my love, you know not of what I speak, and I cannot blame you. I will come again in the morrow, when shadows cast there weary darkness against our island home. I would like to meet you by the grove where we first kissed. However, if this does not suit you, leave me a note by the pond where it would be more to your desire; if you shall meet me at all.

If you are willing, I will let you look upon me then and see if your trust can take such a leap. For I am asking you to step into the unknown with me; a godless landscape of eternity; true there are wonders to behold, but such a price I would never ask of you. You must come of your own free will.

Until the sorrow of nightfall
Archibald

My Darling,

A myriad of emotion consumed my soul, when finally I received word. I clutched your unopened letter to my breast, running wildly to the edge of the river; to that secluded spot among the cypress, I find myself often, when I feel the need to be alone with my thoughts.

I sat along the rocky bank, hands trembling; fearful of the fate contained in so small, so delicate a package; knowing that upon breaking the seal, your essence would again be fully revealed. I’d convinced myself in your silence that you’d had a change of heart; perhaps having set your sights on another; and while I found your words slightly disturbing, uncertain of their hidden meaning, still I revel in relief.

It’s so easy to love you, for what is there not to love. So complete is this love that when I look inside myself, all I see now is you; and I know in my heart when your own thoughts turn round, my self you see in you. Yet you speak of my trust; and while trust is another matter entirely, something that must be rightfully earned, proven and pledged; my answer to you is a resounding, yes.

This allure of sanctuary I have found in you, has allowed my eyes to see the world and myself in a way I never thought possible; as if a veil had been lifted and everything once hidden behind it, now clearly revealed. Nothing is as it was before you; nor will it ever be again. Any gift you so choose to give, I humbly and gracefully accept.

I will take your hand and walk the path; littered with ghosts or lined with gold; for nothing is unattainable, so long as we believe; in this love, in this life, in the power of our union as one.

Forever,
Lissa